Friday, May 14, 2010

an open letter to my #1 fan

Dear cousin, scholar, theologian, and #1 blog fan,

I know you need a blog today, a blog especially for you.  I know you must be just sitting around bored and sad that I haven't posted much lately.  I know when you don't get to ingest enough of my words, it breaks your heart.  And I know you don't have any other distractions in your life right now.  Nothing new going on, nothing to talk about, nothing tiny and cute and pink that needs to be held and loved and diapered regularly.  I'm sorry that you have so little in your own life that you rely so heavily on reading words that I have written to supply you with basic happiness.  I'll try to be better at soothing your soul through blog.

So I thought today, since there's nothing special going on with you, I should provide you with a few ideas to occupy your time:

1.  You should read a book.  I know that my regular composition of high-quality reading material has supplanted your need for print publications, but don't forget that other people write interesting words too, and some of them are even published in bound book form for easy transport and availability.  May I suggest the work of FHDM (FCILDM, in your case)?  Though I haven't read it yet because the internet does fulfill all my written word needs these days, I'll recommend A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  I watched a video series he did that related to the idea for this book, and it was pretty great, I thought.  I would even consider loaning you the book, if you wanted, though my future financial security would be better served if I made you buy your own copy. (and if you followed that link and ordered it from amazon, my more immediate financial security would also be served).  Of course, if you're more interested in reading material that is at hand, you could read Josie's Happy Birthday to You.

2.  You should familiarize yourself with Joss Whedon's entire body of work.  Of course, you need to start with Buffy, but once you get to season 4, you'll need to start Angel, and follow a complicated progression of crossover episodes for four seasons.  Don't worry, though--Shane can map it out for you.  You'll love Buffy, but Angel is where you'll really begin to appreciate the genius.  And, of course, Firefly will complete your life, though you'll physically ache that there are only 13 episodes.  But there's always Serenity to fill up a bit of that hole in your soul.  And actually I said his entire body of work, but you don't have to watch Dollhouse because I didn't.  I hear it's not as funny, so why bother.  But Dr. Horrible is a must.  And then when you've done all that background work, you'll be ready to watch the Whedon-directed season finale of Glee.  You're welcome.

3.  You should compile a list, in ranking order, of the ten things you'd most like to see me blog.  This will satiate your constant need to evaluate and quantify everything in your life and also provide fodder to keep this blog going so that our codependent relationship will thrive.  Win-win, buddy.  Also, I'll just be honest here and say that fresh ideas have been a little sparse on the ground lately.  It should probably go without saying after that ridiculous hair post, but never let it be said that I pass up an opportunity to use two or three sentences to describe my life when none would speak just as eloquently.  So that top ten list could save us all.  Do it for the imaginary readers.

4.  You should eat chocolate-covered pretzels.  Seriously, this could solve all your problems in one bite (or however many bites it takes to get to the bottom of the bag).  I was having a pretty rough morning until I realized that the bag of Flipz (that I bought myself at Wal-Mart almost two weeks ago and had been saving for my most desperate hour) was indeed in my work bag.  There was much rejoicing.  And then I ate them, and now I'm practically perfect in every way.  I don't even really like pretzels, but something about this particular salty-sweet combo is a balm to my soul and taste buds.  And I firmly believe they have the power to change lives for others as well.

5.  If all else fails, you could throw my stupid ideas out the window and take care of your sweet, pretty wife and get to know your brand-new, gorgeous baby daughter, and maybe even hang out with your hilarious, beautiful son when your family of four meets up for the first time later.  You could tell baby Josie all about me so that when we meet up tonight, she'll be prepared for how much she's going to love me.  You could read her this blog and explain about how loud and hilarious and needy and hair-obsessed I am so that she'll recognize me tonight.  And maybe pat her extra so that she won't be surprised at my firm baby-patting hand.  I've got big plans for us to be friends, so I'll appreciate it if you'd put in a good word for me before I get there.  And if that doesn't seem to work, tell her I'm bringing food.

See you soon, #1 fan.  I hope these words tide you over until I see you later.

Your favorite cousin,



  1. I've got a couple of books that I brought with me, though sadly nothing by FCILDM. I'm almost finished with Stanley Hauerwas's new memoir, Hannah's Child, which I was predisposed to love but which has certainly delivered in a big way. I'm planning to write a review of it for some sort of publication, so I've got to finish it ASAP. When I finish it, I'm going to start The Great Code by Northrop Frye. You may recall that Frye has become my new obsession since I read The Educated Imagination. The Great Code is Frye's treatment of the Bible as literature. I'm very excited about it as well. On top of that, I've got three Old Testament articles I'm supposed to review at the Christian Scholars Conference in June that I have to read. So I'm pretty well booked for reading material.

    As it turns out all of Joss Wheton's stuff is available on Netflix instant viewing, and I've received similar instructions from Brian, Shane and others already. Jenni and I are mostly finished with the first season of Buffy, and are anxious for the series to pick up. I've heard fantastic things about Dr. Horrible, and look forward to seeing it. Maybe I'll do that this evening.

    I absolutely love chocolate-covered pretzels so long as the chocolate is white. I also like those almond bark ones.

    10. A blog about children's literature including the top five books that every new parent should have for their child's library.

    9. A blog about your future plans including what sort of training you're interested in and what sort of opportunities such training might make available to you.

    8. An open letter blog to McAllisters including lots of funny stories drawn from your time there with good people that you love.

    7. I'm on a bit of a P&P kick right now, so how about a post about the greatest love stories in English Literature including a section on why Mr. Darcy is infinitely superior to the sparkly rat-eating vampire Edward despite evidence written on a camp caudle wall to the contrary.

    6. It is a sad truth that no matter how good a sermon is, it is rarely remembered by the listeners even if they are actually paying attention. Why not do a post about 3-5 sermons that you actually remember as an encouragement to your ministerially inclined imaginary readers.

    5. What about a post about colors. I find that the question of what kind of colors a person likes or doesn't like to be quite interesting, and I love hearing you talk about colors.

    4. A post about room-mates past and present. You've got some colorful characters to cover there.

    3. A post about the best movies of the 1980's were better or worse than the best movies of the 2000's.

    2. A post about the top 7 funniest movies of all time.

    1. 4:4 catch up posts!!

  2. A) A blog about children's literature would be appreciated by Friday when I'm taking Big Brother to the library. I'm running out of good ideas, and have resorted to judging books largely by their... spines.
    B) It is true that there is an entire cabin wall at Camp Caudle devoted entirely to Edward. Some love him and some hate him. Obviously, the false-est is Edward > Mr. Darcy, but my favorite is this poem:
    "Edward sucks blood
    And we hate it...
    Besides his name is
    Robert Pattinson."
    C) Careful with the roommates blog. Most of us are followers, if not #1.
    D) I have no doubt that the coming days will provide plenty of blog posts, hopefully with photos.


what do you think?